I honestly don’t even know who I am right now.
All I know is I want to be happy.
I want to start enjoying life again.
I want to get back into writing and photography.
I want to do well and like my job again.
I want to start a family, be pregnant again.
I want to go back to school, and start a career. In something I actually like.
I want to have friends. But that rarely ever happens.
I want to not wake up everyday and fall asleep every night alone.
I want to completely skip deployment.
I want to move someplace far, far away.
I want to dance, laugh, smile too much, and take too many pictures.
I want to be the person I use to be.
I want to stop disappointing everyone in my life.
I want to make everyone happy. Somehow?
And yet, all of that has consequences. EVERY SINGLE THING.
How am I supposed to be happy, when I can’t even be myself?
Hell, honestly, I don’t even know how to be happy right now.
I can’t even make myself go to the barn. Which is weird for me.
I just want to be happy, why is that so much to ask?